So I’ve been in a deep depression as yesterday my mother died. Last night was the first night I was hoping for a dream of my mom to know she is OK. The entire night I never really achieved a deep sleep or at least I never really felt rested. I was on constant vigil looking for my mom. When I did wake up I couldn’t remember anything not a damn thing and I was even more sad that my dreams had let me down. Then I remembered something what seemed so trivial and unrelated to my mom.
In the dream, we are positioning an above ground pool. This is a pool we had before and it has sat outside with the sides down to the ground. There is a puddle of water dark with debris at the bottom. The wind during the long winter has moved the pool a bit taking it out of it’s original shape. There are several men here attempting to bring the sides up and re position it. They are doing it wrong. They have it going in a triangular shape when it was originally a square. I attempt to tell them without actually telling them that there is something wrong. I want them to see the error of their way. I decide to use hand signals to convey the message. I wave my arms much like a ground traffic controllers does with their flash light to direct the planes in and out of the airport gates. There is one man standing on the pool ladder who is overseeing the positioning of the pool. At him I say “1L” and wave my arms to my right. I then say “2L” and wave my arms behind me. Then something quite out of character happens. The face of a huge ginormous cat appears behind him. Light is shining from behind the cat such that I am unable to see the cat’s facial feature simply the shadow outline of the cat.
_____Dream Ends
I was so depressed and resentful this morning that my dream had not revealed anything about my mom. I didn’t even want to journal it. I sat in front of my computer looking at my Facebook page crying watching a video I created of my mother years back. The end of the video has a full screen picture of my mom looking at me. The video ended and spontaneously Facebook queued up the next video. The image of the video above is what I saw. It was Mamma.
The name of the video also has meaning. I describe my mom in my video as The Most Beautiful Woman I’ve Ever Known. The name of the cat video is The Worlds Most Adorable Smile. They both have superlative titles of beauty. Was the appearance of the completely out of place cat Mamma? I believe it was. I think my dad has shown her how to send subtle message to me because he has been good at it so far.
syn·chro·nic·i·ty the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection
In last night I find myself on a train platform having arrived here. I think I am in Palm Springs or New Orleans. I am there with a couple people I know but not necessarily close friends. One of those here is my ex Joe. I’m not sure if I am with Joe or not I am wondering if I should be holding his hand or not. Someone mentions there is a new resort that just opened up near the train station. Walking by we look into the windows which reminds me of a convenience store. I look in the windows and recognize the place as somewhere I’ve been before. The only difference now is they have revamped the reception area. I don’t feel like going there. Those in the group want to take a free tour of the new place. “I don’t want to do this,” I tell them and I proceed to sit on a park bench right next to the establishment. It seems like a quiet area that has trees and shrubs. It feels peaceful to sit here. While I wait, I pull out my cell phone and notice it has changed. It has new plug-ins that I recognize. I know the functionality they provide before ever having seen them before. I am surprised to see they are offering this type of controls and services on the phone. There is a sense that these controls are cutting edge items from the future and should not be present in a phone yet.
After sitting there for a while I get tired of waiting and I don’t even know if I’m with him so I’m not sure why the hell I’m waiting. I’m starting to get irritated. I decide to call Joe on the phone. I am looking at the dial pad but the numbers are mixed up. The 2 is now a 1 and the 1 is now a 2. I can’t see the remaining numbers to call. Frustrated I begin walking to the train station to head back home. One of the guys from the group of guys I was with comes out and begins following me. I am so frustrated I turn and tell him. Please leave me alone I don’t want you to walk with me. Shunned he says behind taking a slightly different path to the station. Once at the station the train arrives. I realize I don’t yet have a ticket to board the train. Knowing I don’t have a lot of time I have not other choice but to ask the guy I shunned to help me. I ask him if he can direct me to where I can buy a ticket. He point to a vending machine in the distance and says “Its only 10 franks which is less than the price of a beer.”
I try walking but my consciousness won’t budge. I seem to be stuck in place. I then try to fly but nothing is happening. With no other recourse I look up at the sky and say, “Please dream take me home.” My consciousness begins to move and immediately I woke up.
~~~~~ DREAM ENDS
Once awake I was puzzled why I woke up. I just wanted to go to the vending machine for a ticket. I didn’t want to “wake up”. After that thought sank in I realized wait a minute…. I am home.
I felt very bad for being so rude to the person in the dream who wanted to walk with me. I thought he was interested enough to want to walk with me why was I so rude? Here I am wanting friends in my life and when they show up all be it in a dream I am rude to them.
Looking back at the dream it seems so odd for the guy to comment about the 10 franks being less than the price of a beer since first off we use dollars and second I don’t drink beer. He also seems quite unaffected by me pushing him away. Its as if he wanted to be nice to me.
I don’t remember a lot from last night dream in part because I didn’t really want to be required to journal anything today. I wanted a day free from the thought of having to write down my dream. It wasn’t until I sat at my computer to do some regular work and discovered my external hard drive wasn’t working. For some reason, the computer would not read my external drive. That’s when I remembered my dream.
In the dream, I am leaving a gathering of people. This gathering is like the League of Nations. We had long discussions about the state of affairs. At the end of the meeting someone come up to me and hands me an SD Card containing all the file I need. I look at the small disk and recognize it as an SD card I had misplaced and had been trying to recover for a long time. She hands me the card and says take this with you. I immediately know this is what I’ve been searching for. It is a collection of my most personal and treasured things.
How coincidental that today I had problems with my hard disk.
Last night as I am falling asleep I notice a bearded man talking to me. He is young with a long brown and beard with golden highlights. He is talking and talking. I can hear him on some level but not audibly. He walks off suddenly. My awareness says oh no get back here so I chase him to surpass him. I block him as he is about to head out the door. I tell him you are in my dream who are you? He turns around and looks directly at me. He is in shock, I guess surprised at my reaction and my ability to chase him down.
I’m now in another part of the dream. I tell my ex Joe I basically can not be with him anymore. He begins to cry as I leave him. He is quite enmeshed in my life and it will take a great deal to sever all ties.
I then find myself at a dinner party at a beach house. It is night fall. The host tells me its not too late to take a swim in the ocean. I decide to walk out to the water edge and get my feet wet. To get there I have to pass through the family room where there is a movie projector and stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling. How charming is it for the host to have the tenderness of heart to hang stuffed animals from the ceiling. I continue walking toward the light in the projector. It feels as if I am walking into the movie that is queued up in the projector. I can see a glass door in the distance where a men stand guard. I hear him ask, “How do you identify?” It’s not a question I need to answer but simply ponder. He then explains the trance I am about to be placed under. I then see a series of bright blinking lights shine in my eyes. The lights are extremely disorienting. I can not tell up from down or right from left. On one wall I see a circle of rainbow colored lights. The rainbow is easier for me to focus on so I hold my attention on it.
As I am about to wake up I see someone walk past me. I can see the back of his or her head. The hair is a man’s cut of light brown. The person is trying to hide their face from me so I grab a hand full of hair preventing the person from passing unnoticed. Again I say this is my dream who are you? The person turns to look at me. It is a woman. She has very distinct features. I don’t recognize her directly but she is known to me.
Last night I had a dream where I am in a hospital maternity ward. I live and work there. My niece Daisy works there too. Her office and home are right next to mine. This is as a result of them switching offices with me. I have swapped offices with my old boss BMo which now places me right next to Daisy. I am walking through the building looking at the last names on the the hallway. The hallways are named by the last name of the last resident in the corridor. I clearly find where I am supposed to be because I was given a name and a number. Once inside I discover it is a split level suite with floor to ceiling windows. In one area the suite is exposed to two stories I am standing and the uper level looking down. I think it is probably not the most effective use of the space they could have utilized the space on both floors for living. I’m told the manager of the building has a storage unit where she keeps all the decorations in a central location. Anything you need is in this storage unit which frees up your space to simply accommodate the view. I leave the unit to visit my neighbors and take a look at the storage unit. I walk over to Daisy’s unit and can see the new born beds and the nurses attending the babies. I stop and visit with the nurses who are sitting on the floor commiserating with one of the nurses regarding events in her life. On my return I can’t find where my unit is. All I know is my space is located to the left of Daisy. It is very confusing and I can’t seem to retain the names on the hallways. Each time I return the layout seems to change I eventually find my space but I can only find it with the help of others.
Last night I had a dream where I have gone to see a concert. The concert is terrible. The musicians don’t play very well. There are two violinist I know. I also play the violin. One of the guys in showing me his violin and bow. The bow looks more like a base bow. I compare it to mine. Mine also looks like a base bow. I think that can’t be right. I assume that is the way they are constructed here in the dream. I’m now lucid. He then shows me his tuning mechanism which is an old old television set from the 60’s. He shows me all the different ways the television set offers for tuning his violin. That seems so old to me as I mentally compare it to the app I use to tune my violin with on my cell phone. I look down at my tuner and it too is an old television set from the 60’s. Except mine is on a television stand much like the stand my mom had for her television. What is going on here I think to myself. This dream is way off base. He then shows me the bridge on his violin which is metallic instead of wooden. I attempt to play his violin but the strings are much closer together than mine. Plus I now notice his base bow only has one hair left. How are am I supposed to play it with one hair? He tells me oh no that it plays perfectly well with just one hair. He then leaves with his violin but forgets to take his base bow. I think I”ll just put it in my violin case and when I see him again I’ll return his bow. When I look inside my violin case it too has a bow that is a base bow. Now I’m worried I won’t be able to tell them apart. I want my bow because I know my bow is a pernambuco bow which is of superior quality. Looking at my bow it has a full stands of hair on the bow yet they look very much alike.
In last nights dream i am angered by just about everything. I am so angry. At one point I am in a cafeteria where I purchase my meal for myself and people who are with me. There is no where to sit. The only place to sit is where the secretaries eat their lunch. The pool of secretaries are short women. The door to enter into their area is half height. I feel boxed in. The chairs are very small and the tables are also very small. How am I supposed to entertain my party of lunch guests with such poor accommodations?
I confront one of the secretaries and ask her to explain what is going on. She gives me a snicker (a look not the candy) which angers me further. I snicker back at her. I pause for a moment and recognize her to be my cat Cleo. I think to myself this must be dream Cleo because Cleo is a cat. Cleo is now going to scale the outside of the building and fly. This angers me further. Why are they not resolving the space issue I have guests to feed. I am very critical of everything they are doing. I can see the wings she is trying to use and recognize them as my socks. How in the world does she expect to fly using my socks. IMPOSSIBLE. Next thing I see is Cleo as a woman flying with my socks.
My alarm rang and I snoozed it. I then saw a man. Skeptical and still very angry I looked over at the man and recognized him too. He is Butters my dog personified. I am angry because they are taunting me. My alarm rang a second time. When I reached over to snooze my alarm Butters had his back to me. I gently placed him under my arm and kissed his head. How could I possibly be angry at my little man.
Laughing Buddha Kevin Griffin’s list of favorite dharma and recovery books.
July 20, 2019
As I was waking up this morning, I am in a dream where I have a bicycle which i share with my friends. One particular friend adds a new feature to the bike. Automated brake lights. I am fascinated by this feature and trying to figure out how the connections work. The idea seems ingenious. I can see all the cables and cords and their connections. There is one very long cord with a loop which reminds me of a lasso. There are cartoon figures demonstrating its use for me. I remember thinking how odd they are cartoons. Being in a dream and wanting to understand how this works, I step into character and attempt what the cartoons are doing. I notice the end of the lasso is headed deep within a well. I pull as is demonstrated by the characters. The lasso magically floats in space defying logic. I am able to pull the lasso with ease and it seems to have no end. I give it a few more pulls and hear a voice. A young dark skinned Indian boy in his adolescence sits upon a nearby wall with one leg crossed over the other. His toes are pointy which I find to be highly unusual. He says to me, “Hang on he’s full of poop.” I say, “Full of poop? EEEEUUUU. ” He then says to me, “Don’t worry someone will come clean it.”
~~~~ Dream ends
This was such a cute dream. I’ve often had cartoon dreams but never where I stepped in to be a cartoon and join in on the fun. I remember the moment I stepped in I could feel myself swoosh into an other worldly reality where everything around me seemed so magical defying the physics of every day life and even the metaphysics of most dream spaces. The mystery of the dream only came to me as I sat to write it out. The floating lasso reminded me of the belt in yesterday’s dream which I equated to possibly an umbilical cord. This one definitely felt more like an umbilical cord. Why was the other end deep in a well? Duh!! Well don’t most umbilical cords originate deep in a well? As I wrote the words came to me that the cord was “headed in a well” wouldn’t one end of an umbilical cord have a head attached to it, a head that is in a well. So I’m definitely going to put this one in the OB column. It is so playful how he comes to me. The kicker was at the end of the dream when out of the blue he says, “Hang on he’s full of poop.” Thanks OB for reminding me…. I guess I’ll be having a lot of poopie diapers to change. And so so cute how he say’s, don’t worry someone will come to clean it up. Yeah that someone is me.
As I sat in the morning drinking my coffee meditating and thinking about the dream. I had not made the association yet between the Indian boy and the Buddha but as I glanced over at the Buddha sitting in my dinning room I noticed which I have never noticed this until today the Buddha’s his hands and feet are very pointy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This dream also reminded me of a dream I wrote about in my book. It happened right after my dog Babers passed away. Here is the dream:
You are the Most Beautiful Woman I Have Ever Seen
I was in great pain today. One of my two toy poodles, my chocolate male named Babers, passed away last night. He had been vomiting for a couple of days. I finally took him to the vet to have him checked. They kept him overnight to run some tests on him. They determined he was suffering from pancreatic inflammation. We tried a blood transfusion but in the end he did not respond positively to the procedure. His condition deteriorated and I was forced to make the painful decision to end his precious little life. He died in my arms. My heart was crushed. I cried and asked him to please forgive me. He was 12 years old. He had been with me nearly his entire life. Never a day went by that I did not wake with his breath in my ear.
After coming home from the animal hospital I placed a small framed picture of Babers on my nightstand with an amethyst crystal, my birthstone, beside it. I prayed that I would see him in my dreams. The night went by and when I awoke in the morning I had not had a dream about him. I got out of bed to let my other apricot toy poodle, Butters, out to do his business. When he was done we retired to the bedroom for a quiet mediation. I had no sooner laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes when I had a false awakening.
I found myself sitting in the library when I heard a knock on the door. I could see my neighbor Evelyn peeking through the side window to see if anyone was home. It was the day she normally comes to clean my house. I got up to open the door and proceeded to tell her about Babers. As I was telling her the news, I noticed she was much shorter than usual and her complexion was a dark chocolate brown. This was not the Evelyn I knew in real life so I assumed I was having a false awakening. I knew this was my chance to go look for Babers.
I walked out my front door and a young boy between 12 and 15 years of age came rushing over toward me. He looked at me with love in his eyes and said, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” Bewildered, I took a step back and in so doing noticed my hooded robe caress my face. I was wearing a bright yellow robe much like the one I had seen my guardian angel wear.
In that moment I thought to myself, “Why would he think I’m a woman?” Then I realized, “I’m apparently an angel.” Remembering the times when I had seen angels, I knew they often reflected what is inside me that I have projected onto them. Knowing the robes they wear are like mirrors unto the soul, I allowed this little boy to see me as it was in his heart to project. Realizing I was called to be his angel in spirit, I reached out and placed my hand on his upper arm. To my surprise he was not formless. I felt his physical presence within the grip of my hand. I could see my outstretched arm, which was milky white in color, draped with a glowing yellow robe. He then said to me, “I would love to have a pair of earrings much like yours.” The earrings I wear are not easily removed so instead of giving him mine, I reached out and held his earlobes between my thumb and forefinger. As I removed my hand, transparent earrings appeared on him. Satisfied, he turned and rushed off into the dark of night. As I watched, I noticed a silver cord trailing him. Rainbow colors pulsated within the silver cord. I followed the silver cord back in my direction and realized our beings were tethered to each other by this silver cord. From the still of night, I heard him call back to me, “I forgive you.” I instantly knew this boy was my little man, my precious little Babers.
I then ran forward, following the silver cord, to see him one last time. As I ran, my robe caught sail and my body took flight. In amazement, I looked around and to the right and left of me I saw massive outstretched silver wings the size of aircraft. How could these be my wings? I could feel the wind rushing about my body. I heard a voice that said, “Look to your far right.” I turned to look and in the distance I saw a little angel in flight next to me watching over me. Between us was the silver cord that tethered us to one another.
Knowing it was Babers, I dropped into a state of utter bliss. I saw the shores of a beautiful ocean and a scenic coastline on a pristine day, in full and vivid detail. We soared high in the sky, then began to descend toward the ocean below. We swam among the fish of the sea.
I watched him swimming in the distance. He swam further and further into a dark abyss. Not wanting to go into the darkness of the abyss with him, I decided to pull on the silver cord and reel him in toward me. As I reeled him in, I heard a voice say, “He knows not what he does.” I then saw a dragon surface from the abyss. Refusing to lose him within the darkness of the abyss, I placed my hand upon the forehead of the dragon and visualized the image of Christ in my mind. Light then came to the depths of the abyss. The dragon turned to clay and shattered into a million pieces and sank to the bottom of the abyss. In the light, I then saw my little angel sitting peacefully in the distance.
The next day while in meditation, I still yearned to see my little man. I began having a vision in which I saw a meadow and there was rustling within the many plants of the field. Suddenly I saw the shadow of a little dog much like Babers. I followed the shadow until I came upon the little dog in a clearing. He marched happily among the tall grasses. I then saw that upon the ends of the earth stood a man completely naked and larger than life, whose image was impressed upon the heavens. He called to the dog, who quickly ran to his side content to follow him. I recognized this man to be my Higher Self.
I am blessed to have loved such a precious gift as my little man Babers. Much like my Higher Self, he won my heart without ever uttering a word. He has taught me what it is to love unconditionally. He has taught me how to walk in his master’s shadow and serve with a faithful heart. He has reminded me that I too am someone’s little man.
~~~ End of Book Excerpt
Putting these puzzle pieces together just now made me wonder if they have been perfectly placed to answer a question. I’ve always thought my pets have been splinters of my own spirit sent to comfort me and provide companionship because they have often provided me with so much unconditional love. Yesterday someone asked how the baby was coming along and how I felt about the baby not having a mother. I felt a bit insulted. I responded I am every bit a mother. He thought I was being campy as gay guys often do. So he then asked well whose going to be the daddy? To which I responded, I am every bit a daddy.
But i left there thinking maybe I’m not mom enough. Those messages of self doubt were haunting me yesterday after that. I wonder if today’s dream which made me recall this past dream about my dog Babers was a message sent. I had totally forgotten the voice in the dream that said, You are the Most Beautiful Woman I Have Ever Seen. Are my animals splinters of me and or angels or even splinters of things to come placed here for a purpose. Did the universe in God’s infinite wisdom know I would need this message at some point in my life. So glad to have these dreams to recall.
AMEN AMEN!!
I don’t like posting two images for a dream but this seemed appropriate.
The other night I couldn’t remember my dream the only thing I could remember is as I was falling asleep I could see the ethers blowing in like clouds rolling over the hills. The fibrous strands that hold the dream together were beginning to vibrate with color. An image appeared of a cog. It held stationary for a moment then rotated one click counter clockwise and disappeared instantly. I was somewhat shocked as I wasn’t expecting it to move. Once again the ethers are vibrating their density increasing. An image appears once again. The same cog only slightly different yet perfect in its assembly. It too stood motionless allowing me to take in the detail with which this cog was constructed. Suddenly within the tick of a second is clicked on turn counter clockwise and stood for a millisecond and disappeared. I wonder why it chose to disappear in its new position. I fell asleep not remembering anything further.
The following night I had a dream where I am with a group of people we have a shared mission. I find myself standing upon a platform which sits over a large well. I seem to be the lead person directing their actions. My dogs are there with me. One puppy and one larger dog. Someone is assigned to care for the dogs to make sure they don’t fall through the holes in the platform and into the well. The puppy is left unattended and falls through. Luckily a group of support people I have assigned to guard the lower sections grab the puppy out from the well saving him. They report back to me what has happened and ask, “Who is assigned to watch the dogs?” Supervising the platform I too ask, “Who is assigned to watch the dogs?” I am angry and want to cuss the person out but hold back. A girl approaches to claim responsibility. I can not get angry it just doesn’t fit my personality or who I am today. Instead I calmly explain the importance of the job to which she is tasked and ask her to step back into that roll. I thank her and resume my watch over the platform.
This dream is so incredible. I am fully lucid during the entire time. It was so intense with information the best I can do to represent it is a mash up of what i learned. I find myself doing things spirits do and I am so present and aware of my presence I believe I must have died. I’m not too concerned about being dead I figure it will be true or it won’t. I take advantage of the situation to explore the mechanics and properties of my surroundings. I spend a great deal of time learning new things. I learn about my mission, how things work. I visit parts of my life and how they are connected. I look at motives, aspects of myself, I look at vices and my desires toward selfish things. I learn how I can shift those desires toward holding space for goodness and clean healthy desire. I study what happens when I make the choices I take. How my choices influence and affect my life at different times and how those choices relate to or affect my spiritual condition and where those actions place me on my path.
I have the ability of flight and am succeeding at it yet I am aware there is more to learn. I am able to test things and discover the impact on the ethers based on my actions. I become of aware of the connection between my waking state and the dream state and how they influence each other. It becomes clear I cannot do it alone. I must help others because in reality I am in everyone and everyone is in me. There is nothing that distinguishes me from another person. I must help others regardless if they are friend or foe. I look at what happens when I try to hoard things and the desire to want and preserve things exclusively for myself.
I look at reincarnation and I understand how some people are able to go through life putting very little effort and still being able to achieve things banking on spiritual rewards from previous lives. I understand what creates generous people. I understand how hoarding things for myself actually pulls me back and limits my growth. It is in giving that we receive. I look at my own greed and the desire to preserve myself. I look at how I can temper this desire and transform it to serve a greater good and at the same time enriching me. Those things shared are multiplied 10 fold.
I am able to talk to people without actually speaking and they understand me and I understand them. By examining my behavior I understand what to do and when to do the right thing that which brings about the greatest good. I learn how to share of myself and how much to share, allowing people their process and how to guide my own actions so that I am not trying to control outcomes. The moral of the story is we are interconnected and yet we are also individuals, like children of each other. It seems an oxymoron but it is true. We are one and the same.
I learn the inner light reflects and projects itself into the outer world. I am able to see myself and I see how I show my light to others and how I receive light from others like a matrix and by angling our light we experience the whole of our collective our greater self. To come to know the whole I must collect all aspects of the light so I must be able to connect with everyone with an open mind. It’s through sharing and receiving this light that we grow an evolve into higher states of consciousness.
I came to understand my want to have a partner as something maybe I don’t need to want, maybe I don’t need to spend time obsessing about whether I have someone in my life or not. Maybe these things will come in their own time and of their own accord. They will come by simply focusing on the present while fully engaged, fully open to those things I desire will come.
My back is connected to some kind of balloon. I hear the rubber of the balloon against my body. I realize in the end everything comes together in accordance to a divine plan. I do not need to fear anything. I do not need to control anything. Unexpected things happen when I get out of my way. We sabotage our own plans when we attempt to control outcomes. There is divine order in the process if we allow it it will unfold naturally. Maybe we do agree to come back to experience suffering.
I find myself so engrossed with the inner workings of the dream. I am fascinated with how the dream constructs this reality that defies the laws of physics. I worry about the amount of time it will take me to fully understand it. I realize time does not exist and I have all the time in the world. I can literally stop the clock and ponder my present state for as long as I need. Which means I can take the time to fix or rearrange things to pause life never waists time. I can pray and meditate anytime.
I examine my own behavior. There is someone behind me trying to take something from me. I turn and look to see who is trying to take energy from me. Selfish desires bring me back to a lower state. People feed off my energy but those people who are steeling my energy turn out to be me. As I turn to look I see a man, I am the man a copy of me. From a distance, I look into his eyes and asked him, “If you have my body why did you take it? He responds, I never had a body. We are faeries with distinct bodies yet we share the same spirit. You have a body.” He gives me the analogy of me and my dog. We are one in spirit. My dog is a splinter of me. We have distinct bodies yet very different bodies. We coexist one depending on the other. We can pass through each other, we share stories, we empathize, we have myths.
I recognize I carry part of your psyche into the dream. We have an innate need for self preservation and survival. We have not learned that we are the same. In the dream I try to respond to things with my waking psyche but I can evolve and embrace a new paradigm to encompass the properties of the dream which are the same as those in the spirit world. I must expand my awareness to encompass a new paradigm.
At the end I allow myself to fly down to the ground to see if my etheric body can pass through the ground. As the ground resists my etheric body a ladybug crawls in my mouth. I awake.
