Month: August 2020

August 15, 2020

This is a two part dream which I had on two separate nights but I felt it was a continuation. On the 15th I had a dream where I am with Oliver. I am carrying him in my arms. He sees someone which only his eyes can see. Although I can’t see what Oliver sees I do feel the presence of someone and at some level my inward senses can make out details of the man. Oliver seems alarmed as if he wants me to know there is someone there. I am receiving flashes of details of the man. He stands before us with dark hair a beard and a hairy chest.

Should I be scared? Should I be cautious? Should I retreat? After careful consideration of the situation, I retreat a few steps to comfort Oliver hugging him tight and letting him know I am aware of the situation.

August 17th, 2020

I am alone this time in the dream. Now I have had a chance to know the man fully. We are in very close proximity and very intimate. I can actually feel his beard against my cheek. I know it is time to leave to wake up. A summary of our visit comes streaming in to my waking consciousness. It is as if I have been evaluating this person to decide whether I “like” him. My departing words to him are: “I would marry you.”

These words come from a deep subconscious place because when my waking self hears my thoughts being expressed I am puzzled, “Why would you want to marry anyone?” Memories of my last relationships are brought to the forefront. “Are you not better off alone?”

In resolving this dichotomy within me I can only surmise that only the man in my dream is worth knowing.

My alarms sounds as I feel Oliver’s stare. He is sitting up in bed waiting for me to wake up.

In this dream I am witnessing the administration of an IV needle. I can see the vein has recovered from the puncture. It is creating a seal around the part that has been inserted. I am surprised at the resiliency of the vein to heal itself. A thought crosses my mind on whether it would be possible to use the vein again in this condition.

I examine the path the needle takes and where it comes from. I can see the needle has a black thread which runs from the point of the insertion toward my body running down my forearm and returning the to cup in my elbow. I wonder if I am able to insert myself into the vein.

I hear a voice say, “He’s been honored with the Leaders Heart.”

DREAM ENDS ~~~~~~

During the dream it never occurred to me that the dream could be about my dog Butters who I had to put to sleep 2 days earlier. It wasn’t until after I woke up and thought about the needle and recalled the vet administering the lethal dose to put Butters to sleep.

As I was waking up I kept hearing the words, “He has a leaders heart.” I felt it was important to remember. One things I’ve come to realize in these days following his passing is that I was more dependent on him than he was on me. Here I thought he was the one who needed me but in reality now that he is gone I find I am missing him at every turn. My whole life and all its daily activities centered around, “Where is Butters?” and with that addressing all of his needs. I wouldn’t say that I can’t live without him but I would say that I don’t know how to live without him. My life has a huge void in it. He was the moon to my world so intrinsically tied to each other.